Are You Interested or Committed?
The Key Mindset Women Need to Master Salary Negotiation
One of my favorite leadership experts is John Assaraf. John is now a behavioral neuroscience researcher and a goal-achieving expert, but wasn’t always an expert in this area. At a young age, John received great advice from Alan Brown, a successful leader and mentor of his, that changed his life. To quote John’s words:
The question Alan asked me was, ‘Was I interested in achieving my life’s dreams and goals, or was I committed?’ And if I was interested, he said I’d do what’s convenient. But if I was committed, I would do WHATEVER IT TAKES.
It may be just a slight tweak moving from the word “interested” to “committed” but the right mindset can make all the difference.
So, for example, if I’m interested in losing weight, I’ll eat tacos. But if I’m committed, what do you think I’ll do? That’s right, I’ll meal prep, I won’t drink alcohol during the week, I’ll have more water, high protein, exercise, etc. So it’s all about that committed mindset that starts to translate into actions. Especially when it comes to women and negotiation.
So the question is – are you interested in negotiating your salary or are you committed? Many women I work with have these “saboteurs” or little voices that hold them back. So, having a mental state of commitment is the key to your success if you want to increase your salary.
And, mindset determines your success or failure. Sit in that and read it again and again. Another way to phrase that is, what we think about we bring about. If we think about negotiation and we’re interested in getting paid our worth, but not fully committed to getting there, our mindset may sound something like, “This conversation is going to be too hard.” And, if the brain believes negotiation is too hard, you will have a tough time in the negotiation conversation.
If, instead, we shift that mindset to something that empowers us, it sounds something like my dear editor, Ross Kelly, used to say to help me through challenging work: "This is easy! This is fun!"
I would repeat that mantra and step into that mindset before any situation that I might be nervous or uncertain about. And you can use that same mindset for negotiation as well.
I tell all my clients to fake it ‘til they make it. Even if you don’t really believe that asking for more money is easy or fun, the repetition of the new mindset helps your brain step into the challenge with more ease and less stress. It shifts you into a committed mindset so you can achieve your goals.
Our Saboteurs
So what’s happening in our mind that prevents us from negotiating? When we say things like “It’s too hard to negotiate,” it’s a belief that holds us back from stepping into the conversation. The technical term for unhelpful mindsets or inner dialog is called a “saboteur.” We all have them, and the saboteur's voice gets louder and more exaggerated when we’re under stress. Sometimes your saboteur sounds like:
“They’ll think I’m greedy.”
“They’ll think I don’t appreciate all they have given me so far.”
“Negotiation conversations are just something I suck at.”
These beliefs may even feel like the truth. But thoughts like these are not the truth. They’re just thoughts. And these fear-based or judgemental thoughts about ourselves are sabotaging your financial potential.
Shifting Your Mindset
One way to shift your mindset is to do a quick exercise. Draw a two-column table and title the left column “What’s the story I’m telling myself?” and on the right write “What’s the truth?” And then see what shows up. So it might sound like:
Story What’s really true?
They’re going to hate me if I ask for more money. | This is just a conversation to share information to help them understand the extra work I’ve done and see if we can tie it to compensation. |
They might fire me if I ask! | When I take the right approach, they may say yes or they may not. And if they don’t act on my request, I’ll have gained experience asking. I don’t lose, I either win, or I learn. |
And one thing I know is that you can handle a negotiation conversation. But if you're not there yet, it's ok! Just start by practicing to shift your mindset to help you remove the fear so you can step into the neogtaition conversation wtih confidence. Dialing down that fear and turning up the volume on what's really true can be a game changer.
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